The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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