just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
