take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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