Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
