a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
found the other keg... it's in the tree
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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