while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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