you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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