Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
