3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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