last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize