Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
