dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
