oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
