I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
