she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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