guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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