the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
