you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
