I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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