Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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