i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
