dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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