please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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