hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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