So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Operation Purity has been aborted
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
