I swear she didn't look like that last week.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
