You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
