my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
