I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
