can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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