Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
