The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
