Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
