So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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