Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Randomize
