Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
