There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Non-Jews are for practice
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
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