Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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