Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
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Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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