the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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