He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
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So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
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Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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