I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
