oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
