I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
