I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
