if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
