im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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