you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
