3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
