Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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