There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
