I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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