Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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