Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
