I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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