do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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