she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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