I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
