it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
