He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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