I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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